Arranged Marriage

Arranged marriage is a common phenomenon in my culture. I’m sure you can guess what culture it is.

Yes, South East Asian.

It’s really a whole different world.

Just for a second imagine……………….

You are 20 years old and have never been in a boyfriend girlfriend relationship. You have never spoken to a man in a loving manner. You have never pursued the desires your mind fantasises about.

Yet one day, your loving parents approach you, saying “will you marry this gentleman……”

Marry?? Marry??? Marry???

At first you feel fear, but then a rush of excitement hits you, the feeling of your first crush. A feeling of your future. A feeling of being loved in a unique way.

And to be fair, how else are you going to be able to pick a male to marry when you are completely out of the social sphere. And you have no idea on how to pull a guy.

So, you decide to say, yes. As you are told to trust your parents. As they themselves were an arranged marriage and have been going for 30 plus years. I wouldn’t say they have been happy throughout. But they made it.

Then you try to talk to this man. That appears to have liked your picture that was shown to him by his parents. You both send one another texts over your long 3 year engagement period.

You fall into some deep sexual relationships as you have never experienced the feeling of being intimate with another person. It feels like your hitting puberty again. Obviously, this was only sexting. Which is not allowed and completely against the rules. So, you feel regret every time you do it. But he asks for it every time. And the messages he seems to send you always start with “I’m in bed, I feel hot. Let’s sext”.

Soon you realise that you have no foundations. It’s almost like you just had a one-night stand. Talked a little, made each other happy in bed. And then that’s it…..
No contact for months on end.

You feel so afraid of who this man will be. You don’t know his likes and dislikes, you don’t know his habits, you have no clue on what his hobbies are let alone his morals to life.

He doesn’t know you. What your passions and dreams are. And the worst thing about it is he doesn’t seem interested in finding out either.

I am afraid. I am afraid to walk into this relationship completely blind sighted. Should I ignore my gut feelings of this being completely wrong, as it’s what the past generations have done. Or do I say NO and start the new path for the rest of the generations to come.

I think it’s a no brainer!!!

 

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The ocean. 

The sound, the feeling, the smell. 

The ocean. 

The beautiful waves, the everlasting blue, the life within it. 

The ocean.  

The depth, the powerful, the rage.

The ocean. 

The unreachable bottom, the inability to think so far and Deep, the unbelievable,

Ocean. 

I can’t stop. 

Why can’t I just stop?

Why can’t this ugly disruptive illness get away from me. 

I feel completely trapped. Unable to move unable to breathe. 

Bulima has a tight grip on me. As soon as I feel like I can go through with recovery it drags me right back down. 

I want help, but bulima does not allow me. It shouts and screams and hits out. Making sure I keep my mouth shut. 

I can’t remember the last time I just ate normal. Without thinking of the place I will purge before even seeing my food. 

I really want to stop this. But have no guide to know where to go, what to do and how to face up to my worst enemy, my own thoughts. 

Daily Prompt: Irrelevant

There are so many irrelevant pressures on the world. That seem to hinder humans from seeing the relevant problems that should be solved.

We focus on the irrelevant things in life, such as; the way we look, the phones we have and yes, how much fucking money we hold.

But the most relevant parts of humanity are completely dismissed. From starving humans, war, and the immigrants we are unable to console.  

Supposedly great leaders and the media stand tall, stating what we should do and believe to live happy lives. Yet every word they say, is oversold.

Where do we draw the line from the irrelevant information we are being told?

We as humans should try to come away from materialistic irelevance in our lives, and try to unfold the secrets that are untold. 

via Daily Prompt: Irrelevant

CLOSED DOORS

You can be two completely different people. When the door is closed and when it is open. I am two people. One that the world sees. And one that hides behind the locked door. This is what you see, an intelligent young lady holding a degree, got a great paying job. You think I am a bright and healthy looking individual. Well presented, eating well, exercising regularly, a kind and well-mannered person. You think I have great friends and a supportive family. You feel I have it all, the perfect life.

Yeh fucking right!

Behind the closed doors I am nowhere near what everyone thinks I am. I have an eating disorder! I can’t hold any food down. Purging on average 6 times a day. Completely addicted to food and the sensation of purging it all up, as soon as it enters my stomach. Unable to smile unless I force myself. Constantly crying and staring in mid-air. I can’t look at the mirror longer than a few moments as I feel disgusted by what looks back at me. I hate my job, I hate my profession. I am mentally ill, yet the world cannot see that. I must be good at hiding it?

I am nothing you think I am. I am two people. Close the door and I will change. Open the door and I will show you what you want to see. Open your eyes for goodness sakes, open your eyes!!! I am slowly killing myself, I am yelling for help. I want to stop this hell. But no one seems to hear me, no matter how loud I shout, because I look fine and I am doing exactly what is expected. When will someone look beyond that.

Its crazy right. How a closed door can change a human completely in nature.

Behind closed doors she is a lesbian yet on the other side she says she’s heterosexual.

Yes, behind closed doors he makes himself bleed and cut deep scares into his body, but open the door and they are simple injuries from him being clumsy.

Close the door and she will have numerous affairs as soon as the door opens she is a loving wife.

He smiles and laughs, and goes out and has a few drinks, but guess what as soon as the door is closed he drinks alcohol uncontrollably, every night.

A closed door can change us in many ways. Don’t you think?

THE WIND BLOWS

What is life when the wind blows, circles around my body, life feels light, my hair feels free, my head feels spacious, my mind feels afloat.
Flying is a wondrous thing when you let your mind go out of this world and forget about the everlasting effects of sadness and evil.
When you remember that beyond this world is an amazing place called the imagination. It makes me hold on to hope and excitement even in my darkest moments.
The wind blows in all directions and doesn’t show me the way. It makes me blind it makes me invisible it makes me alone.
This is mumbles from my subconscious mind. The mind behind the mind. Thoughts that interrelate with the outside, but are deep within, that I alone can explore.

 

THE FIGHT BETWEEN MY MIND AND SOCIETY

My mind is unique to me. My mind scares and angers me but then comforts and reassures me.

It holds some precious details of the things I’ve seen. It also holds some of the darkest secrets within me.

One thing that always angered me is why my mind tells me things, society does not allow.

My mind tells me it’s ok to be free and wandering through nature at 10 in the morning. Yet society tells me, I must work.

My mind tells me to adore the world that surrounds me, and be a free spirit, but society…… tells me, I must make money.

I cannot relate to what society perceives to be perfect. I do not want to work my life away to gain money.

I do not want to grow professionally, but rather humbly. I do not want to be part of the rat race, I want to be free.

We all have a mind. We all have thoughts that carry us through our day. Society tells me my mind is unrealistic and gives me unreachable goals.

But every day I wake, my mind tells me, anything is achievable, if I listen to my thoughts and not others.